anticipation

Abba, help me not to hide from you.

Thank you for forgiveness and mercy. And for calling me higher: "come, oh come, let us away! Lower and lower every day, always answering to the call to the lowest place of all". Paradoxes. :)

I ask for the courage to speak out what burns it my heart and to step forward.

No hiding.

"Find me here
And speak to me
I want to feel You
I need to hear You..."

Love you.

wounded

(copied from "a place for dance in the church" on the Ted Dekker forum)

I knew that what happened with the church dance team I was part of a few years ago had hurt.
But the recent dance threads and dance-praying I have been doing have made me realize that what I thought was a stage I wound is really a stage V. The scab came off the top, now I'm bleeding all over the place and I don't even know how deep the undermining of this wound goes.

I'm not sure if that was overly personal to post in here but I really feel at a loss. I'm so thankful to have this gift of dance just between me and God. But the deeper I go in that, the more painful the longing to use this gift within the body of Christ becomes.

And how does one do that when one isn't even a part of the institutional church?

-------

Am I just emotionally overwrought right now? Why does this hurt so much?

Abba?

Wonderous grace, unfathomable mystery

Through each day the LORD pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life. Psalm 42:8


As the deer pants for water, so my soul longs after you.
Tengo sed, Senor.
Only you satisfy.

Waiting

It is one thing to go without food and water
Another to go without sleep
but to go without either, Lord, how?
How can you be strong in such weakness?


I am willing, do as You will.

4 years...

The pain never really leaves. Thank God for His mercy.

I am not as broken this November 26th as I have been in the past. Maybe because I mourned more earlier in the year.

The hope is still here and the longing and the joy too.

Thank you, Abba, again for the precious life of my baby sister and the chance to know her if only before birth.

I will be coming home.
Maranatha!

After NaNo, blogs coming

There are many topics I hope to blog on in the near future, things that have been keeping me awake at night.

But a certain something called NaNoWriMo - http://www.nanowrimo.org/ is keeping me busy with any free time.

I have only done 12,000 words but it has been an incredible experience. I think I am going to have to do this thing called "writing" more often. ;)

Silence

It is difficult to just be with God and be silent, as evidenced by this blog entry.

But somehow, even the silence of God is a gift.

Praise Him

Still don't know how to say what is happening.

Have you ever been broken by the reality of your own selfishness and self-centredness? Flinging yourself in hope on the feet of Jesus.
And then in the next song, have God tell you that certain events were for you? Because of His love and desire.
And somehow this does not put you back at the centre at all.
But the honor and humiliation of it is just overwhelming.

I've been there tonight.

What a mystery our Lord is, His ways and His thoughts. His love and faithfulness.
Oh my God, may I discover more and love you more.

"Praise the Lord, all you nations
Praise Him all you people of the earth
For He loves us with an unfailing love
The faithfulness of the Lord endures forever."
Psalm 117

Rejoice!

Confession

Ever feel like you have so much to say but when you pick up the pen or rest your fingers on the keyboard, nothing comes?

It is hard to capture a particular thought or emotion long enough to elaborate on it. But maybe elaborating isn't needed. Here are a few thoughts and emotions:

God loves me.

I love Him.

There is something dangerous happening in the spiritual realm right now.

Joy.

Wonder.

Fear.

Hope.

Confession is a necessary and painful part of growth. Something that isn't done very often but something that I think I need to do as part of this spiritual battle.

Abba, what would you have me say?

I confess that I have hidden behind a mask of spirituality. I hold myself to be a person of integrity and honest vulnerability but that isn't true. I have sought the esteem of my friends, Church and strangers first. Lord, forgive me for being deceitful. Even a single lie tarnishes the trust others have given.
I confess that I am afraid of this confession. That everything I have said and done will be judged by the confession. That the truth I have spoken or acted upon will be lost.
Abba, help me to seek You first. Always. I love you.

*cries*

Farewell...

"Behold any one who is in Christ is a new creation, the old has gone and the new has come!"
II Corinthians 5:17


Tonight is the time to say "farewell", but although it is passing away, it will not be forgotten. There are many beautiful memories and many lessons learned.

A highlight would be the trip to Honduras. I learned the difference in a very real way between "saber" and "conocer". I experienced a spark of connection that bridged two cultures and languages. A part of me stayed there.

Another highlight would be the babies I held in Nursing 295, how precious and terrifying and awe-inspiring to witness the miracle of birth! Unforgetable. Well worth all that went wrong in that course.

Then there were all those moments spent on mountain tops, breathing ocean air, hugging mossy trees and feeling very alive in B.C.

Dozens of faces and names and personalities who alternately stand out and blend together from my care aid work in the summer. Residents who smiled and teased and shouted and touched and shared so much of themselves with me.
Hobbit: *scowls at me* HEY!
Me: *smiles big* Hey!
Hobbit: *scowls harder*
Me: *still smiling* what's wrong?
Hobbit: YOU
Me: What's wrong with me?
Hobbit: YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL *smiles*
Me: *thunderstuck*

And, as always, there was dancing... a new theme running under the music, arousing anticipation and bittersweet hope.

I was blessed beyond what I gave. And I pray that in the new, I will have more opportunities for sacrifice and that I will walk closer in His steps.


A moment of somberness, reflection and sentiment, I have allowed myself in this post. But I have no wish to cling to this breath of wind. There is too much more ahead. I am not afraid to say "good bye".

Rest in peace, 19th year...

East to West

This is one of my theme songs currently: www.myspace.com/castingcrowns - East to West

Listen. :)

The Church lives

What a wonder, to find myself surrounded by intercessors.

Thank you, Lord, for your mercy and healing. Thank you for the gift of tears. Thank you for taking Tim home.

I continue to ask for your grace to cover his family. Bring them nearer. Please, give my family right words or actions to show your love to them at this time.

In tearful wonder,
Leanna

Reflections from the past

I found a reflective essay on dance that I wrote when I was 15 and thought I would share. :)


There is a tangible excitement in entering the sanctuary of ________ Community Church. The sound of laughter and chatter carries from the front where other teen girls have gathered. I hurry down the aisle and set my Bible and water botle on a chair near the front. The Velcro straps of my sandals complain nosily as I undo them and slide my sandals off. My bare feet kiss the hard red carpet. I watch the other girls and smile. We are all here for one reason; we love to worship God through dance. God has given us different gifts and talents for dance; together we form the Tsunami Dance Team.


Worship music plays through the speakers as I find space to dance. I close my eyes, "God, help me to dance for you." I move and whirl with the music. TIme slips away, I am dancing in the throne room of my King. Neither movement nor words can express the awesomeness of God but I use both in worship of Him. I leap and praise His name. I kneel on the floor and humble myself in light of His mercy. I whirl out of the control across the dance floor in complete freedom. What joy is found in the presence of God!


Later, I am given material (a colorful square of cloth) and a partner with whom to dance. The two of us take turns, one leading and the other following. Although dancing together is awkward at first, we soon become comfortable and can move almost as one unit. I switch partners several times. each girl has a different style and gifting that requires different movements and expression on my part. It is a lot of fun experimenting to see what does or doesn't work.


We gather on the floor and Alyssa, our leader, gives us scripture to dig into until the next time we meet and then leads us in prayer. She takes time to pray for each one of us as individuals. When my turn comes, I feel so blessed. I go home, tired in body, but renewed in sprit and excited for the [conference].


God has given me passion for dance. This passion has changed the way I think and see things but, most importantly, it has brought me closer to Him. God has given each of us different interests...which can bring us closer to Him if we surrender our passions to Him.

Cause for Hope

I finished “People of the Lie” today.

There was a lot of truth and much provoking food for thought which I am mulling over. I do not understand the origin of evil, how exactly it manifests or why it continues to exist but I am certain of how it is defeated.

“Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends” –Jesus (Gospel of John)

“When a willing victim who had committed no treachery was killed in a traitor’s stead, the Table would crack and Death itself would start working backwards” –C.S. Lewis (The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe)

“There is a mysterious alchemy whereby the victim becomes the victor… I know that good people can deliberately allow themselves to be pierced by the evil of others –to be broken thereby yet somehow not broken – to even be killed in some sense and yet still survive and not succumb” –M. Scott Peck (People of the Lie)

“If he could only have understood the precise and terrible power of that sacrifice, he would not, perhaps, have dared to touch your blood…” –J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows)

As outrageously simple as it sounds, love is the way to vanquish evil. Admittedly, love becomes more complicated when trying to practice it.

So I choose to follow the lead of the Author of love, God, who is the Creator of the great romance. By knowing and loving Him more, I will love others and myself more…and evil will be defeated.

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” –Paul the apostle (Letter to the Romans)

Love is eternal, lies are not.

Treasure Hunting

It is amazing what you find when cleaning and organizing. I helped my Mom sort through books today and I now have fresh reading material! I hadn't realized some of the authors and titles my parents own.

The four I have borrowed at this time are: Overcoming Life by D.L. Moody, People of the Lie by M. Scott Peck, Watchman Prayer by Dutch Sheets and The Divine Embrace by Ken Gire.

So you may see blog posts in the near future referencing ideas or questions prompted by the above.

Over the last year, I have been trying to be accountable about note taking with the books I read to counter my rabid addiction to reading. I have a grand total of one essay (and some scattered notes of ideas) to show for this... but I am getting better... I think. :)

Hopefully, over the next year I will have more evidence on this very blog to show that I am digesting what I read and transforming the thoughts into action rather than just mindlessly devouring.

This blog has changed topics since I started it but I suppose that is alright.

Until later...

Aparta mi vista de cosas vanas!
Dame vida conforme a tu palabra.
(Psalm 119)

Fear

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

----from disputed sources (Marianne Williamson, Nelson Mandela)

Samwise Gamgee and Me

"Well, I'm back" he said.
-p. 378, Return of the King.


Why I am thinking about Lord of the Rings? Tracks of music from the Return of the King soundtrack have been the backdrop of my flight back to Canada. It is difficult to identify what I am feeling but the music fits my mood well. It is a sort of bittersweet pensiveness mixed with longing and peace. The peace was slow to come but I have become increasingly aware of it. The adventure isn't really over but one story has ended.

I feel like Sam.

Or rather, I feel like how I imagine Sam would have felt when when those words were said above. I know I have changed but not in any obvious or easily identifiable way (e.g. I haven't dyed my hair blue). My time in Honduras stretched my perspective and my heart. By meeting and connecting with those wonderful people, I know more of the world. By knowing more of the world, I know more of me. And God is even more real.

Like Sam, I began the adventure with only a vague idea of what was to come but an optimistic enthusiasm to discover. I didn't go as far as Mordor on this particular journey but it has still been profoundly impacting. When Sam finally meets the elves, whom he has only had limited knowledge of, he is at a loss for words. The experience was more than his ability to express it. What I experienced was more than I could have expected.

Now, I am back. But here isn't the same anymore either. And I have said goodbye to close companions, friends who have shared the adventure with me. It is all so very peculiar... But as Frodo tells Sam: "Do not be too sad... You cannot always be torn in two. You will have to be one and whole... You have so much to enjoy and to be, and to do."

So...

I take a deep breath,
"well, I'm back"

Purpose

Erev tov,

What is the purpose of this blog? I haven't really decided yet. Obviously, it is a mode of expression but what do I want to express?

I suppose I simply want to be known for who I am and sometimes it is easier to write than to speak.

Well, we shall see where the road leads...

Shalom, friend.
Leanna

Bienvenido

Buenos dias, friend!

I suppose I should provide an explanation for the title of my blog in this introduction. But I would rather you discovered the meaning on your own. There are several hints in the outline of my blog. Here are a couple more:
"Take the red pill"
"Further up and further in!"
Entiendes? :)
No worries if you do not follow my curious train of thought. It is a splendid mystery that makes sense of my life but you may simply view the world in a different way.

Awake while dreaming,
Leanna