Just For Now

Caution: language

Snow fell in big soft flakes to disappear in the brown slush at the side of the road. Eva turned away from the quiet street into the quieter trees of the river valley. Over the past nine days, she had almost worn a path through the brush though it wouldn’t be visible tomorrow if the snow didn’t stop.

Surprised by a patch of ice, she fell over backwards with a jolt. “Shit!” Stars twinkled momentarily in her vision and her left hand burned where she had scraped it along a thorny branch trying to stop her fall. The wood-carved jewelry box remained cradled safely in the crook of her right arm.

“Sorry,” she murmured.

She pushed herself back to her feet but the cold wetness had already seeped through her jeans and underwear. She bit her tongue before another expletive could slip out.

I know you can’t hear me now but it still seems wrong to talk that way around you.

She hugged the small box closer to her side and pressed forward. Her left hand found a new steady tree branch to grasp before each step. The site lay only a little further into the brush, just far enough to be hidden from accidental discovery. A large blue spruce marked the spot. Eva knelt at its foot beside the shoulder deep hole she had spent more than a week digging. Snow dusted the dented kitchen spoon she had discarded after finally finishing yesterday afternoon.

Note to self: A shovel is a household necessity and can save your hands three layers of blisters.

The morning’s snow lined the bottom of the hole like a soft white blanket. Eva held the box in her lap for a little longer. She ran one hand over the nailed down lid. The hours she had spent sanding its edges in grade 8 had left it as soft and smooth as baby skin. She traced the writing on the lid slowly:

Gloria Christa Rose
December 11th

“I know three names is a lot, especially for someone as small as you but I couldn’t decide. I hope you don’t mind.”

She traced through the letters backwards. The dull ache in her chest spread through her belly and throbbed in her ears but no tears came.

Guess a person can only cry so much before they’re dried up.
“Sorry.”

Eva exhaled and lowered the box into the makeshift grave. Sitting back on her heels, she slipped her fingerless gloves off. She pulled a very wrinkled and spotted piece of paper from her pocket and unfolded it.

“Now, I haven’t been to a funeral since I was three so I don’t really know the words to say.” She smoothed the paper out against her legs, “A minister’s the person supposed to do it but I wanted to keep this just the two of us. I hope that’s okay.”

Eva cleared her throat and coughed. “Sorry. There should probably be some scripture about heaven but I can’t remember any and I remembered this one verse so…” She cleared her throat again, “Um, but we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.” She shrugged her shoulders, “I’m not really sure what it means but it sounds poetic and the treasure part makes me think of you.

And now I think the minister would pray but I’m going to skip that part. You never had the chance to do any bad things so I’m sure you don’t need any special praying. There’ll be lots of angels looking after you.” Eva bit her lip, “I’m sorry I’m not there to hold you.”

She swallowed and looked down at her sheet but the words she had written last night didn’t seem right anymore. She set the paper aside. Taking a handful from the pile of dirt, she sprinkled it over the box. The dirt made a dull rapping sound against the wood. It hurt.

“Sorry.”

The hole seemed to take longer to fill than it had to dig while she worked but once she had finished, it felt far too short, only a wink of a moment to make the grave disappear like it had never been.

Eva wiped shaky hands against her already dirty jeans. “I hope you aren’t missing me. I wouldn’t have been a very good mom. I didn’t even realize how much I wanted you until after you were gone…

She fidgeted with her gloves, unsnagging pine needles.

“I hope it wasn’t something I did that made you come so early. I haven’t drunk or smoked anything since I found out about you.

I hope it didn’t hurt.”

Still no tears. She picked up her notes again. “The last thing is always a song. I know Amazing Grace is generally used but I can’t remember the verses very well and this one has your name in it. It’s one of my favourites too.”

She took a deep breath, “so anyway, here goes:
Angels we have heard on high sweetly singing o’er the plain
And the mountains in reply echoing their joyous strains
Glo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oria in excelsis Deo
Glo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oria in excelsis Deo”

The song slipped between tree branches and snowflakes upwards. It lifted with it some of the ache leaving behind something like peace… hope?

Eva let the hope settle inside. By the time she stood up to leave, it would slip away again but just for now she would hold to it.

Glo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oria in excelsis Deo